Battle Royale

Here we go.

We can tell we’re not in our usual plane by the sky. It looks like an oil spill, random colors across black, and the light comes from a bunch of temporary exploding suns. The walls are 50ft tall, and there are towers and an enclosed triangle in the center. The potions in the walls are constantly changing colors. Kaiva is asleep in the corner, taking a little longer than the rest of us to come to.

The hyena man starts in on the closest – Fen – and while he’s whaling on her, Betha and then Seru get a look into that triangle. Kean, Andra, and Ondelin are standing inside, lifeless, collars like Arctus’ around their necks. There are circlets hanging on the wall by each. The Needle is resting on a table in the center.

The hyena man, Mr. Flint, is dispatched after a couple of rounds of Betha’s lightning. Fen casts Rope Trick and disappears, disqualifying herself from the competition. At this point, Kaiva stirs and wakes up, and promptly attacks Betha because those are the rules, after all.

Remi summons a spirit from his ring, and learns that taking the collars off will likely kill the wearers. There may be a way (not necessarily a spell) to undo things, but it’s beyond us right now.

Each circlet has a cheery “Wear me!” sign next to it. Seru puts on Andra’s circlet, and finds a blank husk, a bare shred of personality awaiting orders. Seru tells the rest of the party that it’s mind control, and Betha, accepting the inevitable, walks into Seru’s Moonbeam. Between that, Seru’s warhammer, and Kaiva, she’s gone quickly enough, although not quickly enough for her preferences.

By now Yannic has put on Kean’s circlet. Kaiva, getting into the spirit of things, grabs the Needle and stabs Seru with it, dying instantly. Before Seru can react, though, Yannic orders Kean to attack her; he Fireballs her, killing and disintegrating her immediately. He tells Kean to kill Remi gently, and Remi dies with a vision of Ondelin coming in for a hug.

Andraki, a bit bored by this whole affair, gives Yannic the slow clap and asks what he wants as a prize. He asks for everything we were promised at the beginning, and for Kean, Andra, and Ondelin to be put back where they were, alive and fine. Andraki complies, and we all wake up back in Keyberry Ford, sans hyena men – well. Not Kean, he wasn’t there when we were taken. But everyone else is. Alive, and physically fine, collars still around Andra’s and Ondelin’s necks, their circlets clasped in their hands, Kean’s still on Yannic’s head. Their faces are blank.

Daddy (Clothing) Issues

As the party gathers to consider who they just killed and what the hell to do now, Remi and Ondelin begin an intense, serious-looking conversation, that gets cut off by the Therris ring spitting out cobwebs and covering Remi in them, rendering him immobile and nonresponsive.

Some poking at the silvery stuff reveals that they are the souls in the ring, and they’re nonhostile and trying to communicate. Ondelin plants himself down next to Remi and cuddles him through the cobwebs.

Seru tries to have a Feels Talk with Kaiva, which goes about as well as Feels Talks ever do with Kaiva. Instead, they go treasure hunting, looking for diamonds in the castle and then in the still-smoldering remains of the Keyberry home. No diamonds turn up, but the teleport circle is sparking again.

The party hides in the castle, Seru on watch with a Sending stone to call the others, Yannic and Fen hidden in an alternate dimension. Out of the teleport circle comes a swarm of hyena people, set on one purpose – to rebuild the family home. They don’t seem to be getting along well with each other, but matters are progressing when Andra teleports in at roughly 8:30am, steaming mad. Apparently Yannic responded badly to one of Kean’s texts.

A few of the hyena people break off and go after her. She hides, and Fen summons her familiar, now named Lester, to distract them. He does so by trying to seduce them. RIP Lester, until Fen summons you again.

Andra makes it to the castle and starts laying into Yannic for taking Kean for granted, but the hyena people have been Made Aware of Our Presence, and that discussion needs to be tabled for a later date. There’s a hole in the wall in the second basement that the party slips out of, and then it’s Footrace Time to the teleport circle.

A good number of the party make it, but Ondelin, insisting on carrying Remi instead of letting Tana do it, is incredibly slow, and eventually just throws Remi’s still-unconscious body 30 feet towards the teleportation circle. (He was roughly 100 feet from the circle at the time.)

All the while, a familiar-looking black ooze has been forming by the hyena people, and after Remi has been tossed, Andraki steps out of the ooze and throws a handful of dark energy at us. The world goes black, and we open our eyes to chanting, and an arena. There’s a cart going around a circular track, a very large hyena man, and something we can’t see in the center.

The rules are thus: The last person standing gets a prize. If the last person standing is one of our party, we’re all restored to life, no harm done. If the last person is the hyena man, we’re all peppered for this world. If there is no one left standing, we’re all perma-dead. There are three unidentified sparkling potions, one in each of three walls, and there will be environmental actions as well.

Let the games begin!

The Five Stages of Grief

Lone Dragon figures out that Seru has figured out that she’s not a pale excitable elf woman, but in fact an actual, literal dragon. She throws up a Wind Wall and runs out of the house. Seru teleports out after her.

LD throws up a Zone of Truth around the house, affecting everyone but Seru (out of the house) and Yannic (who shrugs it off). She asks if the party was responsible for the death of Floyrian. Remi gives the party’s honest answer, which is “eh? We’re not really sure, to be honest.”

Shockingly, this is insufficient, and LD then asks if the party sent Floyrian to his doom, revealing that she’s tracked them long and far. The more persuasive folks try to convince her that he went willingly, but despite the Zone of Truth, she doesn’t believe them. Betha detects her thoughts, and gets a shit-ton of grief and rage.

Fen finally frees her frog familiar from its pocket dimension and sends it to tell Andraki that Fen might be about to die. Yannic texts Kean that he’s looking forward to their date on Thursday and also we’re all under attack from a dragon?

Seru runs around the side of the house and sees a big ol’ gold dragon, roughly 20ft long, who grabs her, flies her up, and drops her like last week’s chain mail. LD then flames on the house, knocking Betha and Remi unconscious. Remi pops up to 1 hit point due to Ondy’s forethought, and Ondy wakes Betha up. Oh, and Yannic sees a blob appear under the table in the house, and it’s growing!!!!

At this point the wind wall is gone, and the whole party moves outside, officially Frightened by LD and watching the roof cave in. Despite the fear, they’re throwing what they have at LD and doing some visible damage. Andraki (the blob) finishes materializing, turns her Planar Blade into a chair, and settles in to watch the show.

Remi pops out his own Planar Blade dragon, who attacks LD, bringing her down far enough that Seru can finish her off with a shot from her Planar Blade Crossbow. Hooray!

Only, closer inspection reveals the family resemblance – this was Bob’s daughter, roughly 700 years old. Seru takes two scales and wanders off to call her deity to head off a crisis of confidence. It doesn’t go super well, although he’s not mad. (About the dragon. He’s still very mad about the Keanvari thing.)

The only place we deem safe enough to rest and heal is the room in the castle containing the remnants of Callum’s statue, and we hole up there to lick our wounds. fin

Make a Floor Check

When we last left the scene, Kean and Yannic were in a stalemate in the kitchen, Yannic glowering silently in the corner, Kean cooking frantically at the stove. Remi turns up his cheer to 11 and tries to help. It goes nowhere, and Yannic leaves to go sit sadly by the river.

Meanwhile, Andra is pumping Betha for all the hot goss, but is interrupted by Remi’s return. She goes to yell at her brother some more, and the rest of the party (sans Yannic and Tana, who goes to cuddle the sad warlock because he is the best of us all) decide to go spelunking in the creepy castle.

The castle is deserted, empty, and destroyed by means other the cruel hand of time. Kaiva finds a stone eye and finger, eventually determined to be from a statue of Callum the Hungry God that has been exterminated with EXTREME prejudice. The eye goes out the window. The finger goes in Seru’s belt pouch.

Fen finds a rusted up door hiding a spiral staircase, and Seru senses a faint undead presence 60 feet down, so down they go. The descent is split every 20 feet by a new floor (term used loosely), and by all accounts it is a wonderfully-prepared dungeon crawl, with mysterious wind and water and whatnot. Instead, we find a kitchen, with bloodstains from all the people that were killed and fed to Callum.


We bounce down the rest of the stairs to find a room chock full of skeletons, some of them moving. Seru cleans house with Moonbeam and they dip back out into the sunlit world.

Kean and Andra are still in the house, cooking and talking about something or other, so the rest of of the party cuddles in various piles on the riverbank until dinner’s ready, around sunset.

Fen tries to talk to Kean; it goes about as well as you would expect that convo to go. Kean tries to dip after dinner but Remi corners him to talk about the Therris ring. Apparently it’s hella old and hella powerful and hella full of souls that were sworn into it (not stolen), and Remi can ask them questions! That’s neat.

Next up is Kaiva, who asks Kean wtf is up with the whole blood knight thing. Turns out she somehow bloodswore herself to Morthred. Huh. Wonder when that happened. sideeye Kaiva threatens Kean into talking to Yannic, implying that he might throw himself into the river.

Kean races out to Yannic to make sure he doesn’t get his fancy clothes wet, and they have yet another angsty awkward conversation about their feelings and trust and whatnot. Kean tries to flee, like, three times, but Yannic is having none of it, and eventually they decide to meet in two days (on Thursday) to talk with adequate preparation time. Nerds. The Clone Twins bounce.

Meanwhile, Remi talks to Seru and wakes up his Planar Blade, using Sending. He names it Isilme (moonlight) and makes it a poetically-described black feathered dragon with lightning breath. The Foreshadowing Bell Tolls.

Watches! Seru and Remi discuss matters of the heart and feelings and shit, and see some blue lightning poking around in the teleportation circle. We poke Yannic awake and make him look at it, and decide that it’s just someone testing the connection. We remember that we couldn’t scrub the sigil for Keyberry Ford from the Wheatfield circle, so, that’s fun. The Foreshadowing Bell Tolls Again!

Fen and Betha talk about the circle on their watch, and about Kean and what’s up with him and Yannic. Continuing the theme, Kaiva and Yannic have a fabulous conversation about Keannic and also Yannic could be more considerate about Kaiva’s feelings, maybe ask about her day sometimes? An hour before dawn, Lone Wolf runs past their house in an unholy panic, making for the nearest empty house. Seru runs to get her and brings her back to the house with everyone else. Apparently the dragons came back to Wheatfield, Lone Wolf says.

Also, Lone Wolf is a dragon.


Welcome to the Safetydome

Betha returns at sundown, the familiar whooshing sound waking us from our AU dream. It’s been two days for her, doing paperwork in the Feywild because Morthred’s gone missing and the line of succession needs updating.

We can all remember the dream, and eventually determine that it was semi-divine in nature and was specifically given to us, although we don’t know from whom.

Ondy’s still out on the town, and Remi sends a Sending after him. We discuss the dream while we wait; Fen has some vague ideas about where Party Island might be located off the northwest coast, and also Arctus was at the party! He had a shiny thing around his neck, never moved from one spot, and looked charmed to hell and not in the good way. Ondy texts back: It’s only been three hours on the Celestial plane, but he’s on his way back.

The watches go fairly uneventfully for the most part; the second watch, Kaiva and Yannic, hash out the whole Kean situation, and Yannic ignores a smudge of movement on the horizon. Third watch, Remi and Fen, notice that the smudge is in fact two dragons – one is gold (not Bob though), the other bronze, and while they’re smaller than the rest of the dragons we’ve encountered, they’re still fuck-off big. Remi makes bread for the guests.

Gorloris is gathering the remaining Banishers to a place a couple miles to the north, in preparation for a big strike against The Enemy and putting the barriers back up. Our party would really love to help, really we would, except half of us have to wash our hair and the other half of us have to help their grandmother stop being on fire, really sorry! Eventually the dragons leave and promise to come back later to pick us up. Also, they have an egg.

We head to the Tower as a potentially defensible place to wait for Ondy, and spot the meeting place on the horizon, north and a smidge west. Ondy finally teleports back in, and Kean, upon hearing what has happened, texts Yannic a teleport symbol, old and unrecognized by the party.

After a brief detour in the alchemy lab involving Yannic, a light spell, and a pot of boiling acid, we go shopping in Remi’s dad’s closet and head off to parts unknown.

The town we end up is about 300 years and very abandoned, although we find and hole up in a house that is significantly younger in terms of abandonment. There’s a big castle that used to be a temple to smaller local deities (with inscriptions in Undercommon), and the town is called Keyberry Ford. Also, as soon as we’re within the wall surrounding the town, a barrier goes up and seals us in. Yannic begins sending very very angry texts to a suspiciously silent Kean.

Betha calls Sivoreen (accidentally sending her splatting against the top of the dome), who says that she can’t get them out, only Kean or Keanvari can. Knowing he has Kean’s magic, Yannic manages to dispel a 30ft circle of barrier for twelve seconds, proving that we could get out if we need to.

We don’t need to, as it turns out, because at 5:30pm Andra teleports in, dragging her brother by the ear, and makes him drop the barrier. Kean tries to straight-up flee, but is knocked out by a clutch Sleep spell from Remi, who is nearly as pissed as his BFF about Kean’s treatment of said BFF.

While Yannic tries to talk about trust and betrayal and boundaries over Kean’s Apology Cooking (Kaiva as angry chaperone), Andra drops some knowledge about their hometown. The temple/castle/temple again was to Callum the Hungry God. She and Remi chat about the Awkward Boys – apparently Kean has a diary full of horrid love letters to Yannic that he never sent. Curtains down on this sweet scene, and, across town, on Kean creating food because he’s too bad at apologizing with words.

Dream Works

Good morning starshines! The earth says hello! Especially to Kaiva and Fen who are Hung Over when everyone wakes up. Drink responsibly, kids. Kean comes down and starts making breakfast. A lot of breakfast. Like, an insane amount of breakfast. He enlists Remi to make bread for this Breakfast Extravaganza. Andra says that this is a bad sign; he cooks as an apology.

Eventually All the Food is done cooking, people eat, and Kean and Yannic have a heartwrenching conversation outside. Apparently Keanvari wants them to take their relationship to the next level because should he die, he’ll immediately wake up in his Horcrux, Kean, and killing Yannic to get his powers back will be so much easier if Yannic’s nearby at the time. Kean has to stay away, for Yannic’s Own Good. A lot of crying happens, and some hugging, and the Clone Twins depart.

We all sit around, waiting for Betha to reappear, until the afternoon. Seru goes to visit Lone Wolf, who’s doing arts and crafts to make (hopefully) a magical staff. Seru helps her by doing magic for an hour, and then goes back to the tavern.

At around 4:30pm, everyone takes a nap and has the same dream. We dream that we managed to save the world on Banfey and have been summoned to Gathering to be thanked by Gorloris. Upon seeing him, Seru feels an odd urge and, giving in, socks that dude right in the face, making his elfin wife laugh a lot. Gorloris asks what we want as a reward for saving the world.

Fen asks to be unpoisoned, which takes the Gathering healers a lot longer to accomplish than it took Andraki’s underlings back in the darkest timeline. Yannic asks to learn some more magic, and Mrs. G. tries to teach him, until realizing that the reason his magic isn’t working awesomely is that his power comes from Kean(/vari), at which point Gorloris offers to be Yannic’s patron instead. Seru is content with her violence. Kaiva asks for a few small paltry things, like a couple sets of giant statues of her and Seru, a huge party, and so on.

Eventually Gorloris reveals that he has a request to make of us in turn. His son (whose name your dear summarizer did not get down) has been missing for 10 years after being kidnapped while drunk at his birthday party, and shortly after the failed Banfey rebellion, they got a ransom note. Apparently he’s being held on an island. He could be in one of two forms: a part-elf young man, or a big ol’ platinum dragon like his father.

Other things we learn: The Traveling Gazebo apparently belongs to Mrs. G., who offers it to us to find the island in question; and if we find Prince Arthur he can bring us back, and if he’s dead, his body will bring us back to Gathering.

At this point the campaign devolved into the party trying to decide between about eight different things to do for the rest of the dream, and I logged off for the night.

Other Than The Death Threats, It's Been Fine

The food is getting cleared away, y’all. It’s time to get buckwild.

In a stunning feat of memory, Remi realizes that he’s sen Milktoast before, and not just in the Lady of Learning’s trial. Apparently “Eric Bridger,” aka Milktoast, has been a servant at nearly ever fancy rich-person party that Remi’s ever been to, going back possibly 10 years. And he’s never aged a day.

Yannic’s mission, if you’ll recall, is to get Andraki away from the Twister mat and back to Keavnvari’s side. This is accomplished by Seru talking to Kaiva and convincing her to convince Andraki that it’s time to go. Kaiva gives Andraki a piggyback ride over to the other pavilion where Keanvari is waiting (Betha and Remi splitting off to stay within 500 feet of Morgaine).

Over in Morgaine’s tent, Dossana approaches Remi. Apparently she’s been told that he’s the guy to talk to in order to make the world safer and more orderly? He’s the man with an infinite army. Remi is confused.

Kaiva deposits Andraki with her brother and the two of them start to have a private conversation that Fen shamelessly eavesdrops on. Apparently the Hot Topic Twins are waiting for a dragon to come to the party. Armed with this knowledge, Seru goes to fill in Betha and Remi.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sivoreen and Betha have a chat about Onrubia’s speech and the events of the party. Sivoreen says that Betha can take her sweet time visiting Morgaine; the Feywild isn’t the safest place to be these days. Also, if the party wasn’t given dance cards, they can probably go at any time.

Taking this to heart, the party tries to gather to leave. While this is happening, Keanvari quizzes Yannic on why the party’s happening. The correct answers? 1) It’s a party. 2) It’s a very very obvious trap 3) Those people who fall for the trap are people Keanvari very much wants to see eaten by a dragon. He tells Yannic he can go.

Except not really, because while they’re all trying to leave, Yannic gets stopped 500 feet from Keanvari. Whoops. In an attempt to fulfill her prime directive (and forgetting that her prime directive has been changed for this one night), Seru steps to Keanvari, who gets annoyed with her, which makes her stubborn, which gets her zapped. Kaiva and Fen, who’ve been dancing this whole time, dance-battle their way out of the pavilion and into the garden with the rest of the party

While the party rests, they notice the starts start winking out. Fast. Yannic checks his texts for the first time that night, realizes Kean thinks he can get them safely out, and they take him up on it.

Before Kean can get there, the Hot Topic Twins start booking it for the exit. The party, thus free to do the same, book it for the exit. They find the Twins crouching in front of a terrified-looking Frankenstein’s monster. The Clone Twins are standing nearby.

We get our stuff and the Hot Topic Twins teleport away with the undead creature. The Clone Twins teleport us home, and tell us that the Frankenstein’s monster is Callum the Hungry God, and the HTTs have gone to torture him for fun.

Back in the tavern, Kean and Yannic have an awkward chat, ending in an agreement to meet up the next day and talk about how much time they want to spend together. Yannic goes downstairs and chats with Remi about Remi’s nightmares about seeing his grandmother die. This heartwarming tale is interrupted by Andraclone marching downstairs, walking up to Yannic, and saying, “He was trying to ask you out.”

Yannic, furious that Kean didn’t use actual words to do that but also steadfastly refusing to use his own words, blusters for a bit and has more Bro Time with Remi, Ondy being off somewhere fighting for freedom. The party settles down into watches, and aside from a series of flashes of light coming from Wolfy’s house, the night passes quietly. Dawn comes and brings with it messengers from the fey, come to take Betha to the Feywild. She goes. Curtain drops.

The Three Genders Are Male, Female, And Dead

The watches pass relatively uneventfully, the only peaceful part of the next – well. You’ll see. Lone Wolf is wandering about town, poking at the brush and looking for her weapon. At dawn, the now-familiar warping noise hits again, and there’s a new note Martin Luthered to the door of the tavern, for Betha. Sivoreen drew her a family tree!

The party putters about for the morning: Remi makes bread, Kaiva creeps on Lone Wolf, and Betha calls Sivoreen for advice and gets a dress as well! Sivoreen’s advice includes the fact that we will be unarmed before going into the party – magic as well as weapons. On the upside, so will most everyone else (the exceptions being the gods, so Morgaine, Andraki, and Keanvari will have their magic).

After the bread and the news, Remi goes to talk his sulking golden boyfriend out of gatecrashing. Eventually they agree that Ondelin will go be a freedom fighter during the party, and then there’s forehead kissing and then mouth kissing. Remi gives Ondy a scarf, sending Ondy into a chivalrous panic that ends with him tearing a scrap off his shirt for Remi to keep. Ah, true love.

Seru finally manages to get ahold of Knargun and ask if he has any instructions; he says her primary paladin duty is to walk out of the party alive at the end of it. Also, there will be another dwarf champion there, but he doesn’t know who or for which god.

At 4pm the tailor arrives to outfit us, and we all promptly fall in love with him. His name is Jacques, he is a tall purple elf dude, and he is perfect, and perfectly unimpressed with anything we do. We stash our weapons in Tana’s saddlebags, and then Jacques, the Tailor of the Gods, takes us to the party at long last.

The first step to any good party is completely ruining the evenings, or at least the hours, of the staff, and we proceed to do just that. They try to take Betha’s magic away, but it turns out she needs that to live, so they have to put it back, and she has to stay within 500 feet of Morgaine at all times. Remi’s magic goes, but then a bunch of souls come out of his ring and cover his arm, and the poor steward lets him keep those. Yannic’s magic just roars when the steward tries to remove it (Yannic gets to keep the magic, and also is supposed to stay near Keanvari). Fen’s magic comes out as a vine, and Seru’s comes out as a little ball. Seru then proceeds to ruin the next guy’s hour by insisting on keeping her armor and shield, as they’re religious garb. She also has to stay within 500 feet of a god. Seru keeps the key for the magic, Remi keeps the key for the weaponry.

The party splits up in the short-lived buddy system groups, but it quickly becomes clear that the tents they were originally sent to are abandoned, and everyone’s in the main party tent. Present as part of the crowd are the people we remember seeing during Kaiva’s trial. We learn that the celestial woman’s name is Onrubia, and Milktoast’s legal name is Eric Bridger.

In a moment of prime awkwardness, our merry band of people who hate the Council are invited onstage to be acknowledged. Everyone is thanked very sarcastically for their aid in the recent events, with the exception of Yannic (who gets skipped) and Seru (who gets thanked sincerely).

After the Gauntlet of Mockery is over, the party splits up, buddy system groups be damned. Fen and Andraki go for a walk in the gardens (during which Andraki tells Fen that the Scion of the Forest is like the Ultimate Ranger to Range All Ranges) and then come back inside to play Drunk Twister with Kaiva and Morthred and a bunch of other drunk anarchists. Betha takes the book back to Morgaine and has a lovely chat with her grandmother, in which she is instructed to visit her in the Feywild (the Morgaine we’re dealing with now is actually a possessed vessel) and then dismissed – she goes to watch the Drunk Twister shenans.

Remi and Seru stick to Yannic like glue, as Keanvari reminds Yannic that Kean is, in fact, created from Keanvari’s own toe, and that sort of evil toe jam doesn’t wash off. He also says that Yannic had better start being useful to Keanvari, or Keanvari’ll take back the magic his toe gave him. First job: Get him a drink. Second job: Get Andraki off the Twister mat.

After a while, it becomes clear that, while Keanvari is a terrifying terrifying person who hates Yannic, he’s not going to kill him right then and there, and Seru slips away to track down and talk to the other dwarf champion. They have a conversation about trying to keep people alive who insist on getting smashed at anarchist parties, and then show each other their holy symbols. This other dwarf is a champion for Harmur the Tyrant! What a mood killer. Except not as much as Seru thought, because she managed to find some more mood that got killed when the other dwarf introduces herself as Dossana. Klaxons blaring, Seru excuses herself and goes back to bodyguard duty.

Tune in next week to see who lives, who dies, who hooks up, and who has the mother of all hangovers in the morning.

Hello! We Have...Friend!

We open on Fen doing a kegstand, with an assist from Kaiva. The shindig continues on in that vein, with Remi and Yannic drinking and Kaiva doing acrobatics. However, before anyone invents the game of Spin the Bottle, Remi hears a warping noise from outside and sees a smallish person stealing into a house.

The party wakes Seru from her nap and take some bread over to investigate their new neighbor, but they can’t find them! The house is empty and picked-over, and Fen runs back to the tavern to guard her gains of doubtful provenance. Eventually they find the creature, a small blue critter easily put to magical sleep by Remi. Seru tells everyone not to wake her up unless someone’s dying again and goes to sleep right the hell outside in the street.

The remaining party members figure out that this is a Quickling, a small fey used as a gofer for more powerful fey. Kaiva steals a tin from the Quickling’s clothing and they wake her up (after tying her up). She claims she was just doing her job, she’s already behind schedule, and has anyone seen her rent money??? They feed her bread (and eventually a reluctant Kaiva hands over the tin with the money), and upon hearing that the Quickling is looking for magical artifacts, the group sends her Wolf-ward.

After a period of time, Lone Wolf herself, in all her solitary rage, comes storming over to the tavern. Someone has STOLEN from her, and she will not stand for it! She starts erecting a barrier. The party (sans Seru and Fen) have a Circuitous Discussion about what they should do, given that they sent the Quickling to Wolfy in the first place and Wolfy seems ready to murder a blue bitch. Wolf tells them that the weapon was a commission that hasn’t been paid in full, and it’s essentially a proto-Planar Blade.

After a Roof-Climbing Adventure that goes very badly for all involved, more or less, and waking Seru up, the party troops over to referee the throwdown. Dusk comes, a puffy parcel gets dropped at Betha’s feet, and a giant net falls from the sky, trapping the Quickling who delivered it. Wolfy gets straight to the interrogation.

Eventually, it is revealed that the Quickling works for the Council of Planar Freedom, and has already delivered the proto-Planar Blade to the man with six fingers on his right hand. We manage to talk Wolfy down from her rage and she reluctantly lets the Quickling go. We retire for the night, discovering that the parcel is an order form for fancy party clothes.

Some Goddamn Elizabeth Bathory Dorian Gray-Ass Ruin of Xerxes Bullshit

The party enters the tower, ready for a nice enjoyable day of wholesome family fun. They hear movement from a bedroom on the second floor and head upstairs! Betha reads its mind – it’s hungry and in agony and confused and despairing. After a very long and circuitous discussion, the party opens the door and yeah, it’s another Intelligent Zombie, and it wants a piece of Seru.

What follows is a round robin of Persuasion checks and attacks, until finally Betha gets it to say that it blames Seru because “it has to be SOMEONE’S fault!!!” Feeling the weight of the world fly off her shoulders, Seru whoops in relief and explodes the poor zombie with radiant damage.

Next, they hear something on the roof! Grabbing Fen (who spent the whole fight in the kitchen with a sandwich), they head up, stopping in the library on the way. Yannic wants a map, since knowledge of the world they live in is not this party’s strong suit. Kaiva, in an attempt to help, picks up a book that promptly offers her a chance to learn a secret in a game of chance. The secret is upstairs, she learns, and the code is 4223. Before this can be acted upon, however, Yannic also touches the book and we’re in Freaky Friday town, folks. Yannic and Kaiva have swapped bodies. Also, the book is stuck to Kaiva’s hand (which means it’s stuck to Yannic’s hand but Kaiva’s in the driver’s seat).

The book, the Book of Deepest Secrets, used to belong to Morgaine and really wants to fuck up all of Theminor’s (Remi’s dad) shit for stealing it from her. It also says it will swap them back for another secret.

Finally, the group decides to just see this whole adventure through to the end, and head upstairs. There’s a gate in front of Theminor’s room, which 4223 opens, and a secret compartment in the fireplace that wants blood before it can open. Remi feeds it, and everyone (sans Fen, who stays to jump on Theminor’s bed) files into the hallway beyond.

The hallway is lined with creepy portraits, of half-elf half-[insert race here] people, all looking vaguely shocked and horrified. In front of each portrait is an empty pedestal, some of which have diamond dust still on them. Seru checks the stonework and realizes that everything – the paintings, the stonework, everything – is, as it says in my notes, old as ballsacks, and also the stone is from way the hell south and shouldn’t be here.

Remi deduces that his dad was fathering children, trapping them in jewels, then killing them and siphoning their life force to extend his own. The book is elated that they’ve worked it out, tells them to tell EVERYONE, and then swaps Kaiva and Yannic back after they each give it a secret. Kaiva carefully wraps the book up without touching it (first with the Friendship Rope, and then Theminor’s bedspread) to try and curry favor with Morgaine, we collect Fen, and troops back to the tavern. The party settles in to cope with their new knowledge (Seru falls asleep). Time: 2pm.


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